No Spending Challenge: Day 3

Checking emails on Monday morning sometimes takes me a while, particularly because I have to sort through the dozens of emails I get from retailers- clothing stores, groupon/living social, vitamin stores, health food stores, you name it. Just seeing what the "deal of the day" is makes everything seem irresistible. "Half off?! Buy one get one free!? What if I need it one day and it's not on sale?" These are the kind of questions that take up space in my brain  as soon as I wake up, thanks to these emails.


So in honor of the challenge, today I am unsubscribing. To everything.


I feel better already.

No Spending Challenge: Day 2

Sunday September 2



Oh, Sunday. A very tempting day for spending across America. It's the day you start to think about what you need in the house for the week, a lot of people go to the grocery store and Target and other places. But you know what makes it a really hard day? COUPONS.

I get the Washington Post delivered, not for the slightly right-leaning editorials that turn my stomach, but for the awesome coupons/inserts sections and the comics in color. This morning I woke up and grabbed the paper from the porch and got back in bed, like I typically do, and went straight for the adverts. I was about halfway through when I remembered I was doing this no spending challenge. It was like being hypnotized by the smell of fresh doughnuts when you just started a diet. I was in a trance. Anyway, I put the rest of the adverts down into a pile, put them in the recycling, and grabbed the funnies.

This is going to be a little harder than I thought. Even the first few ads I looked at (CVS is my vice), reminded me that there is so much stuff that I "need" (not really).  But then I remembered that I have all that stuff, sitting unopened, in boxes under my bathroom sink!

No Spending Challenge: Day 1

Saturday September 1st

Today was my first day and of course it was a success! It's hard to fail on day 1. I like starting things on the 1st of the month, it feels like a fresh start anyway, so it's easier to attach a goal to it.

What are my rules? 

Basically I have most of my bills set to autopay, including my credit cards, student loans, phone, and savings plan. My rent includes utilities and cable so with one check I can take care of all that. There are some things that cost variable amounts of money, but are completely necessary, and then there are things that are low-cost but still splurges that I will be strictly limited.

Here's what I can spend money on, and the rules attached:

• Groceries- As needed, but using coupons and buying as many items on sale as possible. I am committing to only buying things that I will definitely eat, and buying in smaller amounts so nothing goes bad. I figure it's OK to spend more on organic vegetables and fruits.
• Metro- walk to/from work whenever possible to save money (hopefully the weather will be decent at least a few mornings this month! and it will only be getting better from here until November.
• Splurges- one Starbucks drink per week, one 7-11 coffee on Sunday. 
• Dates with friends? Try to find free/low cost things to do. Wait until October for movies, concerts, etc. offers. Instead try Netflix nights with home cooked food, etc. Also, water is free at bars. 
• Urgently needed household items (e.g., toilet paper, batteries)- require a reflection period and pursuit of the lowest possible cost alternative.

So why am I doing this? 

Because I am spending way more money than I should be on little things that I don't need (in particular: clothing, accessories, take out, and household stuff). Seriously, how many candles does a one bedroom apartment really need? I suspect, as with all things, that there is a psychological base to mindless spending; it could be growing up with a frugal mom who tried to make our limited dollars stretch, and the idea that if I wanted something, I would have to work, earn a paycheck, and then use that paycheck. Now that I am a grownup, maybe I am rebelling against that. There were no credit cards, there was no instant gratification. That's the kind of mindset I want to get back to. Finally, after working on this healthcare campaign for a few months, I am terrified about getting old and having no money, so there's that.


Stay tuned. I am hoping to blog every day about a new aspect of this challenge, and as a way to check in. If you're joining, feel free to let us know how you're doing in the comments!

Remission Continues, and so it goes...

Sorry for the delay in posting the results of my scan. I have noticed that no news is often good news in the medical world... but yes, clean again.

I made the mistake of reviewing the radiology report, there are all kinds of things still showing up on my scan (diffuse metabolic activity in the breasts, bone islands on my shoulder, a tiny mass still in chest), but supposedly nothing has changed since the scan before, thus all of these are just weird and irrelevant. The only flag is that while my platelets are nearing the normal mark (127, normal is 150), and my Hgb is normal again (above 12), my WBC is still half of what it should be. I asked the doc, "is this normal" and he said, "ummm no." I said, "OK, should I be worried? Does it mean something?" and he said, "umm, no." Hahah. So basically we will keep an eye on it. It's creeping up, but very slowly. It's possibly permanent damage, but I don't need any treatment for it, just to be extra careful.

I did get a cold at some point since that test, and I knocked it out with a ton of vitamins and Emergen-c, in 3-4 days Normal person cold time! So that gave me a lot of confidence.


In other news, B came to visit again a few days ago and it was lovely. He suffered a gout attack (yes, 29 year olds can apparently get gout! We think it was the crazy amounts of liver and brains and guts and stuff that he eats for work, which are apparently super gout triggers). We doped him up while he was here but it was still painful to walk around, so we spent a lot of time relaxing and hanging out. He should be coming back in October, just in time for Letelier-Moffitt.

Speaking of work, we finally got our office administrator! But it hasn't yet been announced (not sure why), so I can't say who it is!! Rachel is going to start in Development on Monday 8/20 so I have to say goodbye to her. I think I will try to take her out after work on Friday and get her some tofu fries and a vanilla mango mojito from Nooshi.

In OTHER work news, I learned how to open the shop yesterday, so I am ready for my first full day all alone tomorrow! No computer, tv, or phone available either. Just being in the (lovely) moment. I have memorized the opening and closing procedures, know how to work the register, and know about the clothes we have in stock. I am so ready to go and to prove myself in this gig.

Tonight I am doing some work- 99% answering and writing emails. I just took care of Maggie upstairs, and now I am watching Star Trek as I type this. A little pissed off still from something that happened earlier, but my boiling temp is starting to go down a little as I sit here and distract myself... so who knows what the future will hold.

I went out with a new friend, Brandon, and his husband and friend yesterday after work for a drink, and he brought me there to see if he could nominate me for Woman of the Year with the LLS. It's actually work- fundraising for 10 weeks with a humungous, gigantic goal of like... thousands... of dollars. But he seems to think I have what it takes. And it doesn't start until March so I would have time to plan out some creative ideas. I am going to say yes. I think. Allie said she would support me, which means a lot. Also did I mention there's a gala at the end?

One thing he said though, when we were chatting casually after that whole talk, was that his 30s were his best decade. That in your 30's, you're finally ok with who you are and owning that, and you start to not give a damn what people think of you, and you can make decisions about what and who you want in your life. I feel that is so true-- as I get older I feel more and more sure of myself and who I am and what I want. It's a blessing of wisdom that I am sure I've earned. I don't want to repeat mistakes or settle for anything less out of life than what I know I've worked for and deserve. I don't really feel "older," I feel "surer." I am also glad to be alive to see 30 anyway.

PET-CT #9 DONE!

I had my (9th!)  PET-CT scan on Tuesday morning. It was largely uneventful. Marisa wasn't there so I had a new tech (well, he has worked there for 11 years but I've never seen him). His name was Kiff! Seriously!

Anyway, the nurse lady I like wasn't there either, but there was a new one who was fine. I am hyper-vascular, which means my veins are so tiny that they have to use kid needles on me... but she used a slightly larger one in my hand because of how sting-y the CT contrast is (it needs a bigger flow or something, I dunno...) all I know is that fucking needle hurt the entire time it was in my hand. When Kiff took it out at the end I could have hugged him.

As usual the barium and the contrast made me feel sick, dehydrated, head/tummy achy, etc. but a nice lunch with Rachel at Nooshi (TOFU FRIES!!!) fixed me up, followed by Indian for dinner... I was good to go.

Now, we wait for the results. I called Dr. Tabbara's office after the scan to see if my results appointment could be moved up from Thursday to Tuesday, and yay, there was an opening! So on Tuesday morning around 10:30AM I should be finding out whether I am dying again or not.

I am hoping for the not dying option right now, as I am looking forward to some fun times in my life in the next few years.

Stay Tuned!

by way of the green line bus

Just for Now

Well, it was a super fun trip to Florida- exactly what I needed- lots of relaxing, talking about the real world (aka NOT DC STUFF), hanging out with family and dogs and a pool and a barbecue and central air and HBO and lots of good rest. Maybe only people who live in DC can understand the importance of getting away from work and work email/calls, because DC is a 24/7 work city. There have been dozens of articles written about young people burning out because they are constantly "available." Those of us who work from home are dealing with a Catch-22, in that we have enormous freedom to design our own workflows, but have an equally enormous challenge in getting that separation between work life and home life. I hope to have a family and a kid or two one day and really don't want to be that crazy mom who has her blackberry at the table and misses the science fair, so I am sticking to my guns about taking real vacations now (while still excelling when I am at work). I don't think it's indulgent to do that, I think it's totally necessary to have a balanced life. After all, if you don't take the time to enjoy life, then what is the point of working so hard to earn it? I feel great about my trip and I am ALMOST ready for work on Monday. I am going to start reading emails tomorrow and getting some prep work done so I don't walk into a shitstorm.

I can't believe I am 30. I am 30! I got some great bday cards, a bracelet from Mary Ann, a ring from Rachel, and a very luxurious pedicure from Jackie, and some gorgeous flowers from B. My favorite flowers.... swoon! I don't feel very different, just a little more pressure to be a grownup this decade.

Anyway now I am back in DC and lordy it's hot. I have always been sensitive to heat, but since chemo it's started to get worse. It could be partly related to the mental memory of getting chemo in the summers for two years in a row and throwing up when the temp was over 90, but who knows. All i know is when it's hot, I get a migraine, which also comes with nausea and fatigue. I am in good spirits when I wake up (even went to the gym this morning), but the oppressiveness outside has drained all my energy for the day already.

Tonight I am at home, relaxing and stretching on the floor with the fan on, which really helps. I read an article about yoga for migraines which has been a little helpful. To be honest though, I just want the heat to pass and a storm to come through. It looks like it might happen tomorrow night. My fingers are crossed! Would be a good way to start the week.

Tuesday morning is my 1.5 year post-SCT scan. This is the penultimate scan before I can exhale (slightly). My 2 year scan will be a big one. From what I have read from other cancer blogs, if I can make it to two years, my chances of relapse drop from 50% (my odds now) to 20%. 50-50 is a horrible feeling that I try not to think about. 80-20 is much more my speed. If I can get through this scan and the next, I will celebrate.

I don't know what I can do better as far as keeping my body cancer-free. I now wear SPF 100 and eat pretty well (last week's vacation being a bit of an exception, but i jumped right back into my exercising, low sugar/low-processed food routine with minimal cravings so it must not have been too bad of a week). I drank some while I was in Florida but only got drunk one of the nights (on sangria, that doesn't count coz there is fruit in it, right? :))

I don't have any other symptoms- no lumps, no night sweats, no pain, no fever, no weight gain or loss. I am slightly worried about my blood counts taking a long time to recover (had that long cold a while back that was pretty annoying), but I don't think that's a symptom of anything other than the damage to my bone marrow.

Anyway, I figure if it's back, I will make an appointment with Dr. O'Connor at Columbia in NYC and go from there. He is a much closer doc than the guy in Texas, and has all the same options. After that I will figure out work/home/money/treatment stuff.

If it's not back, I am having an ice cream sundae.

B is coming August 4 and I am way too excited. We've already started our list of things to do this time. Once again it's a jam packed list but it's nice to daydream about what we want to do. To be honest I just want him to live here and then we can do one thing on the list for the rest of our lives, but I have to patient as he figures out how to leave NOLA and his job. I feel like he wants to leave, but I don't want to push because that all needs to come from inside himself so it feels right. I can wait as long as there are lots of visits!!

Alright back to watching teen angst movies from the late 90s in the dark with the fan on!!

Love T

you can rely on me, honey

i move for you

cancer update

It's that time of the year soon-- time for me to schedule my PET/CT scan and meet my fate. I want to schedule it before I go on vacation so it's out of the way. 

This will be my 1.5 year post-transplant scan - it's important. From what I have read, my relapse chances drop to 20% (still high! but better than my current odds of 50%) if I can make it to the two year mark without a relapse. 

I don't know what I can do to make this scan clear-- I have worn sunscreen, eaten and exercised better, and tried to keep my stress down. I haven't felt any lumps or pain yet. I guess the thing I have to tell myself is that there is NO REASON why Tiffany G. Williams shouldn't be in the successful 50% group! I am just as karmically deserving as anyone else, so I am just praying and hoping that my insides are still clear. I keep thinking about the radiation I had and hoping if there were any leftover cells in there, they they got zapped up...  

But just in case, I have looked at a few options: first I would get my tumor block tested ASAP for Epstein Barr virus, and if it's positive, send it to Baylor Texas to be enrolled in the lymphocytes trial where they grow killer blood cells and put them back in you (aka no side effects/chemicals)

If that doesn't work, I will then go to SGN-35 which also has fewer side effects and now that it's FDA approved I can probably get it in DC.

My last resort would be RAD001 or a similar trial. 

I suppose I would see if any of my family or the donor registry are a DNA match for an allogeneic transplant, but I am not sure I actually want to do that. I do not want to be miserable, debilitated, and racking up all kinds of medical bills that my family would have to pay if I couldn't work again (or if I died). I am just not convinced it's worth the pain and suffering. But luckily I have a few stops before I have to make that choice. 

It's so hard some days to go about planning out or even daydreaming about my life (B's visit, work trips, moving to a new apartment, getting married and having a family) when it could be taken away at any moment, despite everything I have done to try and take care of myself. It's actually devastating sometimes and I feel like I can't fully commit to things, not because I don't want them but because I am afraid I will end up thinking I am going to get them, wanting them so badly, and then suddenly, one day sitting at the doctors office,  will find out that I will never get to have them. I try not to show it, or to dwell on it, but it does feel like a little piece of me is always holding back a little-- can't wait for that 5 year scan when I can say the word CURE!!

Life Update

Update on my life... I can't remember the last time I really checked in and journaled, so here it is:

Things have been very good around here, with a few small emergencies, but otherwise... great!




B finally came to town and this happened:

Also this:

It was so great to spend time with him and just be normal and actually touch each other and hold hands, that even before he left I was ready for him to come back! But we have the next date set: August 4th!

Since the visit I have felt more at ease than ever before. I know grownups have arguments and hurt feelings, I feel like this one, unlike others in my past, is worth sticking with. That's a crazy feeling that I wasn't sure I would ever really have the chance to feel.

--------

In other news:

My fabulous assistant Rachel is applying for a permanent job in the Development department. Great for her, but of course I am going to miss her and her super-efficient way of keeping my life in order. I never realized how much I wasn't getting done until she came into my life. One good outcome is that her organizational skills were put to use in creating an office manual so that the interns (and future project assistant) will not have to sit through my weekly/daily/hourly brain dumps. Yes, that is what I call it when I have an intern come sit next to me in my office with his/her computer and "listen" to my thoughts. I am an awesome manager, hahaha. No, but seriously, I think my first official paid staff supervision experience has been very positive. That being said, I am meeting with my boss Joy once a month for mentoring, starting next week, to start sorting through how to be even better at my own job and running my project without burning out or feeling overwhelmed, as I have frequently found myself since starting two contracts. It's funny because I KNOW that I had a more stressful job (counseling trafficking survivors) before, but when I have too many competing deadlines in one week, I have a little meltdown. I think that mentorship, as opposed to other things I have tried before, can help me immensely- especially having it with Joy, who has been shepherding me through my career since 2003.

In a couple weeks I will have to deal with the hotel/event planning tasks that I don't particularly enjoy. But when I tried to think about what it is that stresses me out about it, I realized that it was just inexperience and fear of the unknown. I have a great opportunity to shadow Bill (the Chair of the organization) and also have Rachel at my side to help me, so I have decided to jump in headfirst right now, while I have tons of support (vs. having to do it by myself some other time!)


Other news:

Tom and Erika are leaving for Costa Rica. Boooo..... But their going away party at Meridian Pint this past weekend was super fun. It was so great to spend time with them, plus Patrick my birthday twin, and Chris my new gym mate, AAAND  my favorite farmer Rory came up from West Virginia! Here is city mouse (tom- on the right)  and country mouse (rory- on the left):

Rory claims there will be a redneck tubing trip organized later this summer. We shall see!

------------

I took a full two weeks off from going to the gym since B was in town, and I feel like it made a negative difference (i think I gained a few pounds and furthermore exercise usually helps me sleep/work/feel better). I started again on Saturday and was sore all day, haha. This morning I went as soon as I woke up and I am glad I did and got it out of the way, especially because the drama of the day happened right as I was coming home:  I had to sign for a certified letter from the Board of Social Work - turns out (very long story) I have to pay a fine for a problem with my continuing education certification. $250! But it is going to be resolved with no permanent consequences, which is all that matters. I just have to wait out the procedure. Luckily I ALSO got a call this morning giving me permission to invoice for a training I did back in March that I will get paid for! So the $250 fee to the Board that would have come out of grocery money will be covered.  BIG SIGH OF RELIEF THERE!


Other dramatic things happened to other people over the past couple weeks, and I don't want to name any names, but breakups and divorces are catching like wildfire. I am really looking forward to a great relaxing vacation from June 28-July 5th in Florida with Jackie. I am not bringing my computer! I am turning off my work email and redirecting everything through my interns and Rachel, and I am not even going to write. I am going to READ! I think I will send a note to the staff list asking for book recommendations. Nothing too mindless, but something inspiring and energizing so I can come back to work ready to jump in.

Just ten days of work to go-- and I am going to work extra hard, long hours and try to overachieve so I can feel really good about the long break. Beach, manicures, swimming in the pool with a coconut drink, making dinner, central air, movies, hanging with awesome people... I need this trip! Turning 30 needs to be a good thing!

pretty pretty prettyness

HAH. Radiation Tattoos... I haz em.

THIS GUY!!!!

IS FINALLY IN REMISSION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 5 YEARS!!

I feel overwhelmed with joy and relief and tears. Chris has such a great attitude and energy and never let the cancer (or the treatment, which can be just as rough) keep him down. I was so lucky to be able to have a coffee with him a while back and feel that positive energy in person. Chris, I am so happy for you. I hope this remission sticks for a verrrrrry long time! Celebrate!

Love

Tiff

Spring Cleaning for My Guts

Starting week 2 of going fully vegan and limiting processed food and sugar. So far so good...

Want to conquer my habits and restore my internal temple!

NYC bound

Writing this from the train to New York. Land of dreams. Home of some of the most formative experiences of my lifetime. I return often but somehow the feelings haven't diminished: I miss it but I am glad I don't live there anymore.

I have great memories: I remember 111th and Broadway, I remember Columbia, I remember moving to Brooklyn and finding an apartment on Graham and Ainslie. I remember hanging up my keys next to Dani's, making hummus with Aaron, going to happy hour after happy hour. Grad school "prom," Halloween in Red Hook, riding my bike along the East River. I remember Barcade, Milon, Polished salon, going to NBC to visit Dani, working at Legal Aid, working at the Women's Center, having a kinda crazy life that was kinda working for me, having lots of dates, riding the subway...

I am always here for work but this time I have a couple nights this week that I could have free and I am wondering what I would like to do with my time. A few people want to see me so I will have to figure that out, and I would really like to go to Milon for dinner one of the nights and hang around the east village for a drink...

Cheesin'

Met with staffers from the White House Domestic Policy Counsel today to talk about continued presence, detention of victims, and law enforcement training. Nobody told me I was supposed to look like I'm taking a gangsta family photo, and I am cheesin' out...

Kiiiiinda love it.

nailed it!

http://www.chopra.com/files/newsletter/Mar12/Mar12-Life.html

http://zenhabits.net/embrace-chaos/



On taking an action, not worrying about the outcome, but rather taking it to fill an internal need to say what's on your mind, to act, to do something and not just sit there, regardless of consequences...

"Knowing this we take a step in the direction that seems to be most evolutionary for us and trust that either we will get what we want or we will learn something of great value."

3 Part Stress Plan

I think the end of my stress is in sight... I knocked out a lot on my to do list yesterday and today by trying a new method known as ONE THING at a time. No more multitasking. Duh, this is zen 101. Yes, I am a badass, but the work is wayyy harder than it has ever been up to now. I can handle it, I just can't do it the same way I have been doing it. I think this is the crucial realization I've had today.

Also, just for good measure, seeing a therapist today for a quick check in on how I am dealing with stress (and my relationships, since that never hurts). Don't know if I will keep going, but honestly I think 90 percent of people should visit a therapist at least a few times in their lives. As a social worker myself, I know how helpful it can be for someone to just spill their guts to someone that doesn't know/judge them- even if the other person has zero advice. There is nothing that amazing about bottling things up and taking them out on other people, and it's batshit (in my case) to let the stress make you feel depressed and crazy sensitive (even more than normal). I have lost my edge, if I ever had one, and need to get my shit together. 2-3 visits ought to do the trick unless this dude is a guru and can help me learn how to make myself run a marathon or something amazing... .

The final point on this three-part stress strategy is going to my 7th yoga class at Stroga. Such a good call on that Groupon... gonna be sad when I run out of passes! I mean... look at it:

Socrates, Insomnia

I have been feeling so frustrated lately. I haven't been sleeping well, I have been drinking too much, I have been eating too much, I have been going to the gym like crazy just to get the steam off of me. Work is overwhelming- so many new and exciting projects that I have always wanted to do are finally happening and yet I can't get excited, my personal time is sometimes just as difficult and feels so uncertain some days, and sometimes like it could be a figment of my imagination, my health also feels uncertain and fleeting. I am exercising and taking vitamins trying to keep from getting sick again, knowing deeply in my zen-est heart that I cannot control the future, but for some reason thinking if I just try harder at life, I could.

I want to be able to be myself and have all these faults and still know that my bosses, my colleagues, my friends, my boyfriend, my doctors, etc. accept me and think I'm great even when I fuck up. I feel pressure to be the best, most entertaining, beautiful, vegetable eating, deadline meeting, version of myself all the time. Perhaps the hardest part is that I enjoy being my best, I love being on top, being in charge, having my shit together, so I might be tougher on myself than anyone else. For two years, I spent all my time just figuring out how to stay alive, literally. How do I keep my heart beating and my blood cells from failing? How do I keep the pain in my bones from crippling me? Now that I am healthy again, I have this overwhelming urge to make up for those two years of "lost time." It's killing me a little bit, which is sort of ironic.

What is the line between my best effort every day, and driving myself bonkers with perfectionism in my life? I can't make people say/do the things I wish they would; I've been allowing reality to grind against expectation without slowing the wheels.

I keep thinking of this idea that I learned in one of my college philosophy classes - Socrates said "i only know that I know nothing." Profound. I want to clear my head of everything that is hurting me and try to keep an open heart and mind, finding comfort in the uncertainty like Socrates.

taking care of my space

Whenever I feel upset, taking care of myself and my space makes me feel better. Luckily I already happened to have plans to go to IKEA today with Ms. Thing and her new roomie Emily! We finished in like 45 minutes with time to spare for $1 ice cream, pretty amazing.

So, I got a curtain to divide my living room a little from my workspace, and I finally broke down and got a coffee table... need somethin' to put my feet on! :D

Oh, also went to Sam's Club with her and got something called PopFizz which appears to be a combo of Emergen-c and 5 hour Energy and turns your water into an orange soda with 500% Vitamin C and 40,000% B-12. Watch out world.

Newsflash: Life after Cancer Treatment Sometimes Sucks

This article was very accurate: http://www.salon.com/2012/02/20/now_what_life_after_cancer_treatment/

Here's the part that really spoke to me:

That’s why it’s bittersweet to move on to the next part. “I think there’s a huge rush of the tide to get you back as though nothing happened. To reassemble the picture that you had before,” says Anne. “People think that must be what you want, you must want to forget this. The big mistake is that it’s forgettable. Or that there’s an end to it. There’s no end to it.” And as Martha says, “The doctors will say, ‘Oh, you’re good. Go enjoy your life.’ But you don’t stop having had cancer once treatment is over.”

Cancer is part of me now. It’s part of all of us who’ve experienced it, whether we call ourselves survivors or continue to grope, as I do, for a word that makes sense of this new place. How can I call myself a “survivor” when I will spend the rest of my life monitored and tested, a veteran who knows all too well that another deployment could be as close as the next CT scan? We cancer vets live daily with our cancer — in the scars on our bodies, the memories of the people who were kind when we needed help, and the way that we can never again take for granted what a gift it is to make plans.

inevitable.

I haven't eaten taco bell (or any fast food really) in a while now, but this is just sort of awesome enough to feature here. Man oh man did I used to love doritos sandwiches, this is 10x better!

danger zone

You're welcome, world.

Barbara Bush (!!!): "Healthcare Should be a Right"

This clip from Fox was actually not vomit-inducing. Thanks for the link, grandma. It reinforces what I think about the power of experience and hearing stories. Barbara Bush exposed herself to something and came out an activist. Everyone who argues against things like minimum wage, healthcare, birth control, etc. without thinking about the human beings affected should meet people whose lives were harmed by not having access to those things. Think of how many converts to social justice movement we could have with the power of storytelling!

Presenting at a Human Trafficking Conference Next Week and other thoughts on HT

So, I am doing this event next week at Catholic University and I am super excited about it because it's one of the few I get to do specifically for social workers. I am going to be discussing some common perceptions about immigration, trafficking, and migration, as well as covering some best practices for the immigrant survivor population. I only have one hour so I won't get to dig into the context as much as I want to, but I am going to be providing some handouts with additional resources, particularly the NASW code of ethics which requires us to be advocates against immigration enforcement measures that harm families, as well as some guidelines for cultural competency.

One of my challenges in agreeing to lead this workshop will be to navigate the tension between the broad knowledge base of the DC human trafficking task force around issues of commercial sexual exploitation of minors, and the concurrent lack of knowledge around issues of trafficking for other purposes- particularly for labor in those industries that are saturated with immigrant workers. While the discussions are sometimes frustrating, occasionally opportunities come up for this sector to be highlighted, like this conference . I was so heartened today when the chair of the task force re-affirmed his commitment to my particular workshop and even suggested the overall panel be extended so the "captive audience" could hear my 5 minute overview before breaking out for workshops.

The icing on the (Valentine's) cake was a presentation by one of the chief DOL Wage and Hour folks who visited the task force today and shared the WHD approach to investigations and explained the scope of their authority. I was disappointed that the conversation slanted toward child peddling at the end given the enormity of the problems in restaurants and domestic servitude, but having already asked a pointed question about collaboration with MPD vice detectives, I felt like asking another question would be exasperating to the rest of the group. If the group were more mixed, or we had more time, I think would have asked how they investigate domestic worker cases- given that one of the strengths of DOL investigations is that they can enter any workplace without a warrant under the authority of the Fair Labor Standards Act, but this coverage doesn't apply to private households. In fact, I would still love to ask someone from DOL to explain how they provide those workers with equal investigatory protection given this limitation... but that's for another day.

Next week I will be excited to present some new materials/slides with this small audience and see how some of it plays out. I also made the decision to try and reciprocate the warm welcome I received from the chair of the task force (who is an Assistant US Attorney) and try to actually show up to future meetings rather than sending my intern in my place. If he wants more labor representation, and I want more labor representation, then it appears that I need to step up and play that role.

Port Removal Day

I have been in and out of being a little bit high on drugs for the past three days (sudden terrible cold), so forgive this ramble, but I am happy.

Today I faced one of my biggest fears-- I got my MediPort removed. They wouldn't let me keep it, but they showed me, it's this small heart shaped thing with a tube that went up my neck. They told me mine was even smaller coz I'm a "small individual." whatever that means.

Apparently placing it is super tricky, but pulling it out isn't so bad. They put me under twilight sleep and it felt AMAZING. I love that stuff holy cow. But it wasn't enough and I did have to ask for more during (which they gave me very quickly- thank you nurses and your liberal use of drugs). But, I did cry my eyes out when they were giving me the numbing shot, and screamed "it hurts, it hurts it hurts" and bawled and then apologized for bawling but the twilight sleep stuff had made me unable to control my emotions, hahah. Anyway, after that I just tried to sleep. and then it was over. I relaxed for a while in post-op, then Phyllis came (with coffee!), and took me home. I checked in around 8AM and was home around 12:45PM. Not too bad.

I slept for awhile longer, woke up and got a bagel delivered (thank you for existing, GrubHub), and slept some more.

I just want to say that my BF is the sweetest thing ever and has been so nice to me today even though I know he really wants to tell me to buck up and be tough-- he hasn't said it at all today. Just that he wishes he was here and that he loves me and I'm cute. Just what I needed. And that is awesome.

So, even though I am hacking up a lung, am throbbing with pain in my chest from getting cut open, I am overwhelmed with emotions about what it means to no longer have a port and thus no more easy access to my bloodstream if it is needed and what that means for future treatment... and the most cogent thoughts I can produce are currently going into this blog and not the pile of work I have on my desk... well, despite all that? I love life and I am happy.

Happy End of January Y'all!

1,084 miles is so far

we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive

We can smile, breathe, walk, and eat our meals in a way that allows us to be in touch with the abundance of happiness that is available. We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.

THICH NHAT HANH, Peace is Every Step

Thursday morning at 8:30AM EST I will get the 1 year scan results. Not falling apart. Staying present. Staying present. This is the only moment there is to be alive.

1 Year Post SCT Scan

Tomorrow morning at 11AM I will be sucking down room temperature blueberry barium smoothie, getting my veins injected with radioactive isotopes, and trying not to move for 45 minutes in the tiny hole of the pet-ct scanner. This will be my 8th PET scan, and I am pretty much a pro at it now.

I remember to:

1. Limit carbs and anything that will spike my blood sugar the day before (the isotopes find metabolic activity)

2. Wear a sports bra and no metal in my clothes (getting an excuse to wear fleece hoodies and yoga pants out in public = kind of an awesome consolation prize), that way I don't have to change clothes in the locker room and put them in the weird plastic bags with drawstrings.

3. Order a cab (luxury!) and take a relaxing bath the night before to try and relax my mind and body before the test

4. Most important: remember the zen things I've learned over the last two and a half years since I was diagnosed. I can't predict the future, I can't change the past, I can't even control the present. I can only wake up every morning and try to make each day healthy, productive, and beautiful. The week between getting the scan and getting the results is so hard on me, I find it difficult to concentrate on anything else but wondering if my entire life is about to fall apart again, but I do my best to be zen.

I am not afraid of death anymore, but I am actually terrified of more treatment. I can't express how awful it was. I think your brain protects you from feeling the emotions of being so sick until you are really feeling better. It's almost like my body knew I had to fight it out and pretend I was feeling fine/strong, until I actually was. Now that my life is pretty much put back together (and actually better than before because my heart is happy), the thought of losing it all again is so much worse but it's just now hitting me.

I am trying not to look at stats because for my particular set of risk factors, they aren't really that good. But, a clear scan tomorrow could be huge. It's a year after SCT and that's a good sign, as the most difficult relapses occur within the year. I always say that I am just waiting til that 5 year scan, then I will have peace of mind.

But I think in the last few months especially, I've realized that I don't want peace of mind if it means not taking every day seriously and wondering if it will be my last. I think that is a gift that cancer has given me.

I don't take anything for granted and I am so grateful. I am grateful to be able to walk down the street to the bus, to dance and run, I am grateful for all my limbs and organs, I am grateful for my hair even though it's short, I am grateful for my incredible job that makes me feel like I am fulfilling the purpose of my life at 29, I am grateful that someone loves me, I am even more grateful that I can feel and give love too after being so afraid, I am grateful that I can sit here with all this nervous energy and type it out til I'm exhausted... I am grateful for uninterrupted sleep and hot bubble baths!

Anyway.

Results Thursday 1/12/12.

Until then, stay cool!