1 Year Post SCT Scan

Tomorrow morning at 11AM I will be sucking down room temperature blueberry barium smoothie, getting my veins injected with radioactive isotopes, and trying not to move for 45 minutes in the tiny hole of the pet-ct scanner. This will be my 8th PET scan, and I am pretty much a pro at it now.

I remember to:

1. Limit carbs and anything that will spike my blood sugar the day before (the isotopes find metabolic activity)

2. Wear a sports bra and no metal in my clothes (getting an excuse to wear fleece hoodies and yoga pants out in public = kind of an awesome consolation prize), that way I don't have to change clothes in the locker room and put them in the weird plastic bags with drawstrings.

3. Order a cab (luxury!) and take a relaxing bath the night before to try and relax my mind and body before the test

4. Most important: remember the zen things I've learned over the last two and a half years since I was diagnosed. I can't predict the future, I can't change the past, I can't even control the present. I can only wake up every morning and try to make each day healthy, productive, and beautiful. The week between getting the scan and getting the results is so hard on me, I find it difficult to concentrate on anything else but wondering if my entire life is about to fall apart again, but I do my best to be zen.

I am not afraid of death anymore, but I am actually terrified of more treatment. I can't express how awful it was. I think your brain protects you from feeling the emotions of being so sick until you are really feeling better. It's almost like my body knew I had to fight it out and pretend I was feeling fine/strong, until I actually was. Now that my life is pretty much put back together (and actually better than before because my heart is happy), the thought of losing it all again is so much worse but it's just now hitting me.

I am trying not to look at stats because for my particular set of risk factors, they aren't really that good. But, a clear scan tomorrow could be huge. It's a year after SCT and that's a good sign, as the most difficult relapses occur within the year. I always say that I am just waiting til that 5 year scan, then I will have peace of mind.

But I think in the last few months especially, I've realized that I don't want peace of mind if it means not taking every day seriously and wondering if it will be my last. I think that is a gift that cancer has given me.

I don't take anything for granted and I am so grateful. I am grateful to be able to walk down the street to the bus, to dance and run, I am grateful for all my limbs and organs, I am grateful for my hair even though it's short, I am grateful for my incredible job that makes me feel like I am fulfilling the purpose of my life at 29, I am grateful that someone loves me, I am even more grateful that I can feel and give love too after being so afraid, I am grateful that I can sit here with all this nervous energy and type it out til I'm exhausted... I am grateful for uninterrupted sleep and hot bubble baths!

Anyway.

Results Thursday 1/12/12.

Until then, stay cool!