Socrates, Insomnia

I have been feeling so frustrated lately. I haven't been sleeping well, I have been drinking too much, I have been eating too much, I have been going to the gym like crazy just to get the steam off of me. Work is overwhelming- so many new and exciting projects that I have always wanted to do are finally happening and yet I can't get excited, my personal time is sometimes just as difficult and feels so uncertain some days, and sometimes like it could be a figment of my imagination, my health also feels uncertain and fleeting. I am exercising and taking vitamins trying to keep from getting sick again, knowing deeply in my zen-est heart that I cannot control the future, but for some reason thinking if I just try harder at life, I could.

I want to be able to be myself and have all these faults and still know that my bosses, my colleagues, my friends, my boyfriend, my doctors, etc. accept me and think I'm great even when I fuck up. I feel pressure to be the best, most entertaining, beautiful, vegetable eating, deadline meeting, version of myself all the time. Perhaps the hardest part is that I enjoy being my best, I love being on top, being in charge, having my shit together, so I might be tougher on myself than anyone else. For two years, I spent all my time just figuring out how to stay alive, literally. How do I keep my heart beating and my blood cells from failing? How do I keep the pain in my bones from crippling me? Now that I am healthy again, I have this overwhelming urge to make up for those two years of "lost time." It's killing me a little bit, which is sort of ironic.

What is the line between my best effort every day, and driving myself bonkers with perfectionism in my life? I can't make people say/do the things I wish they would; I've been allowing reality to grind against expectation without slowing the wheels.

I keep thinking of this idea that I learned in one of my college philosophy classes - Socrates said "i only know that I know nothing." Profound. I want to clear my head of everything that is hurting me and try to keep an open heart and mind, finding comfort in the uncertainty like Socrates.