setback

we hit another wall today. apparently two days of apheresis has produced a pitiful amount of stem cells. The doctor just called and said he doesn't think it's even worth trying tomorrow. I am upset, of course, i mean, really how many more things can go wrong before you start to wonder if you are fighting a losing battle?

they are giving me a week off to recover (my platelets dropped a lot), and then trying a different drug called mozobil to see if that works to get the stem cells out. I honestly don't know what I am going to do if this doesn't work, but my records are still at Hopkins and I have told them I am interested if they can fit me in. Now that I have an extra week, maybe I will be able to go.

My fear is the cancer growing inside, each day that passes without chemo is just allowing it to spread, and all these complications are really breaking my spirit. Nothing has worked out as planned or hoped for since I was diagnosed, the first treatment that cures 80% of people didn't work, the second treatment didn't completely work as it was supposed to, the catheter bled out twice, and now I am not mobilizing stem cells. I don't know if this the building of an epic survival story, or harbingers of a lost cause.

I am going to Oaxaca tonight with Benjamin and lunch tomorrow with Allie. I have to talk to my Board of Directors tomorrow night and convince them my project is exciting and successful. Somehow I don't feel very excited or successful these days.