that little marble of panic i've been holding

has turned into a bowling ball... trying to keep it from turning into a boulder.

two of my refractory friends got bad news this week... karin is off SGN-35 and Chris is off SAHA, both had new growth of their tumors. I want to be supportive and positive, but I am so scared. The more treatments you go through, the fewer that are available. Luckily, with Hodgkin's there actually ARE more available for both of them, and for the most part they are otherwise OK (not bedridden or anything), and they are working up plans to see their doctors and get other leads on trials. So truly there is no reason not to hope and assume that they will find something that will work, especially since Bekah went 3 years before finally getting a remission. However, this tiny part of me is totally avoiding them, trying to maintain my blissful denial that I have enjoyed for the last month. I haven't had any reason to think about cancer or the possibility that right now the cancer could be growing back microscopically in my chest and that when I get a scan this May or June, that it could show the disease again. I just want this to be over, but the odds are not that great. If I wasn't refractory, if i was like the 80 percent of people who get full remission from the first round of treatment, then believe me I would be closing the book on this, but .... refractory. incomplete remissions. stem cell transplant. the odds are only at the very, very best and including the consolidative radiation i had afterwards, only 50% that I will be cured. Then I will have to join Chris, Bekah, and Karin in going through some shitty chemo trials that make me feel awful again, lose my hair again, lose work again, lose money again, be depressed and unable to date again, all of this. I am not as scared as I am exhausted. I am so afraid I can't do it again. I am afraid that I might just say no to treatment.

for now it's sunny out, and i feel good, and i can maintain my denial until this summer and do a lot of work and accomplish a lot, and if I have another relapse I will go to Dr. Younes and see what can be done, and deal with it then.

I just want to be more "there" for my friends, but I don't have a lot of optimism to share and don't want to do more harm than good.

I don't think this feeling will go away until December 2015, 5 years post SCT when I can call myself cured... so get ready for a lot of freakouts until then! :)